Baltimore's Memorial Stadium in 1991. 
Baltimore's Memorial Stadium in 1991. 

Big League Wrap-Up: To Hell With the Dodgers

by / Apr. 9, 2015 1pm EST

It was the Tigers beating the piss out of the Twins last night in exciting action from a stadium named after a financial services company in Detroit. Lead-off man Anthony Gose notched three safeties and drove in three and Ian Kinsler added two hits and 4 RBI to back Anibal Sanchez who went 6.2 scoreless innings before yielding to a mysterious 240-pound Venezuelan reliever named “Nesbitt.” Ah, the Detroit bullpen.

The Cubs shutout the Cardinals 2-0 at Wrigley. Jake Arrieta (now with beard and for reasons unclear, actually good) went seven scoreless and fanned 7. The Cubs managed only two hits but came away with their first win of the season (and first for new skipper Joe Maddon). Lance Lynn was the tough loser for St. Louis going 6 strong and fanning 9. “When it’s all said and done, it’s a loss,” said Lynn. Everyone seemed to agree and the Indiana-born righthander was credited accordingly.
The hapless Phillies beat the Red Sox in riveting action from a stadium named after a British-owned bank in Philadelphia. Jeff Francoeur (affectionately known as “Frenchy”) hit a three-run homer off Rick Porcello to give Philly their first win of the season. It was Francouer’s first major league homer since 2013. Adam Harang was the winner, going 6.1 innings with 9 strikeouts and only 2 hits allowed. Jonathan Papelbon escaped a bases loaded situation in the 9th to pick up his first save of the year. Papelbon told reporters prior to the game that he “doesn’t feel much like a Phillie.”
He will be paid $26 million over the next two seasons.
And it was the Nationals over the Mets by a tally of 2-1 in titillating action from Nationals (Not Yet Named After a Corporation) Park in DC. Jordan Zimmermann went six strong innings, backed by a Ryan Zimmerman (note: one “n”) 2-run blast. Reigning N.L. Rookie of the Year Jacob deGrom took the tough loss for the Mets, going 6 strong innings. 
And it was the Yankees defeating Toronto last night in electrifying action from Yankee Stadium. The Yankees scored 3 runs in the bottom of the eighth on a wild pitch, a hit-by-pitch and an infield single. Jays reliever Brandon Loup was credited with the FATH (F’d all to Hell) allowing all 3 runs and spoiling a fine starting effort from ageless knuckleballer R.A. Dickey. 
A-ROD WATCH: The worst human being in baseball went 0-4, struck out twice and left 5 runners on base. 
It was the Braves completing a sweep of the Miami Jeffrey Loria’s last night, winning 2-0 and utilizing 5 pitchers for the whitewash. A.J. Pierzynski hit a 2-run homer for the Braves. “There’s a whole lot more games to go,” Pierzynski commented later. Very little else of interest occurred and the attendance was reported at about 700 and a few wandering dogs.
The Orioles could not solve the mystery of Tampa righthander Jake Odorizzi last night, managing only three safeties and fanning 13 times in the game in heady action from a Domed Stadium Named After an Orange Juice Concern. Odorizzi went 6.2 strong innings and Brad Boxberger picked up the save, fanning the side in the 9th. Miguel Gonzalez was the tough-luck loser for Baltimore, allowing only 1 run over 5.2. The Rays started a rookie 1st baseman in the game named Allan Dykstra whose Wikipedia entry notes: “He is not related to former Mets and Phillies player Lenny Dykstra.” Thank Christ for that.
Joey Votto notched a game-winning 11th single to give the Reds their second win of the season over Pittsburgh last night in spine-tingling action from THE GREAT AMERICAN BALLPARK in Cincinnati. Pirate and Red hurlers combined for 23 k’s in the game with J.J. Hoover (2014 record: 1-10) picking up the win for Cincy. Speedy leadoff man Billy Hamiton had 3 hits and 3 stolen bases for the Redlegs.
Lorenzo Cain hit a 2-run homer in the 8th to give the Royals a 7-5 victory over the White Sox last night in rip-roaring action from Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City. The Royals banged out 14 hits all told against a quartet of Sox hurlers. Cain and Alcides Escobar each had three hits. “It was a great game. Guys were back and forth and battling,” commented Pale Hose manager Robin Ventura who once tried to fight Nolan Ryan. The Royals improved to 2-0 on the season.
The Indians picked up their first win of the year in another 2-0 victory (last night was the night of 2-0 victories) over the Astros in stirring baseball drama from A Stadium Named After a Lemonade Concern in Houston. Carlos Carrasco was brilliant for the Tribe, fanning 10 over 6.1 before he was mysteriously lifted after 88 pitches. Carlos Santana and Mike Aviles homered for Cleveland. 
The Rockies improved to 3-0 last night by completing a sweep of the Brewers in a matchup of the two clubs with baseball’s ugliest uniforms. Wilin Rosario slammed a pinch-hit homer in the 10th to seal the deal and make a winner of 77-year old LaTroy Hawkins. Rosario’s was one of four bombs hit by Colorado. 
And it was the Giants over the Red Team in zestful action last night at Another Stadium Named After a Bank in Arizona. Chris Heston went 6 scoreless innings allowing only 2 unearned runs and fanning 5. It was the freshman’s first big league win. Casey McGehee homered for the Giants— one of 14 hits by the defending World Champs in the game. 
And it was the Athletics pounding the living Christ out of the hapless Rangers last night in gripping action from the Stadium Formerly Known as the Oakland Coliseum. The Rangers managed a mere 3 hits and committed 4 miscues. Scott Kazmir was excellent for the A’s, going 7 strong innings, allowing 1 hit and fanning 10. Somebody called “Mark Canha” had 3 hits and drove in 4 for Oakland who also started a catcher named “Phegley” from Terre Haute. Another player named “Ladendorf” started at 2nd and drove in 2 runs. He’s from Illinois. 
And the Angels beat Seattle 5-3 in action from a Stadium Named After an Insurance Company. Albert Pujols hit his 521st homer to tie Ted Williams for 18th on the all-time list. Ted Williams’ salary for his entire career: approximately $1 million. Albert Pujols salary for just this season: $24 million. Matt Shoemaker was the winner for the Angels going 6 innings— Hisashi Iwakuma took the loss for the Mariners. Huston Street pitched one inning to pick up his second save of the season; Note: Street’s salary for his entire career: $51 million. Ted Williams’ salary for his entire career: approximately $1 million. Just a reminder.
And, finally it was the Dodgers over the Padres 7-4 as Adrian Gonzalez homered three times. Whatever. To hell with the Dodgers.