Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

by / Dec. 27, 2014 9pm EST

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)— In our society, we have had some real problems dealing with all these mysterious issues that have come up in the past.  Try to speculate on which of these issues might be best discussed in a restrained manner with some people that you’re having lunch with.  Tape-record the dialogue that ensues.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—This is the week to invite a friend or co-worker to lunch.  Make sure you offer to drive.  Take them to a filthy inner-city chicken restaurant. Buy an enormous bucket of chicken and twelve biscuits. Leave before they can even order so that they are forced to follow you.  Drive them to an abandoned urban park and sit at a picnic table.  Take your sweet time laying out all the food. Become haughty when they complain.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Find an enormous blinking digital clock with offensively bright white lights.  Hang it in your cubicle.  Say “I’m a time aesthete” over and over again and laugh wildly.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—This may be the month to embrace the odd and unusual. Do not shy away from conversation with a man sitting on a gigantic folded piece of foam in a graveyard. There could be a windfall at the end of it.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—You always found the cliche “cleanliness is godliness” rather corny. Nevertheless, there are an awful lot of old tires in your front yard. It may be time.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—You have always thought of yourself as having impeccable taste but it may be time to admit that you actually like inflatable furniture. After all, what other furniture can be deflated, shoved into a knapsack, transported to a carpeted basement recreation room and re-inflated. This is the week to mull these things over.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Beware of excess this week. The purchase of an oversized soda with a flimsy lid will lead to disaster. You will spill the entire soda all over yourself and you will begin sobbing in front of a large number of people you were hoping to impress. The sobbing will lead to a piercing half-cry/half-scream and you will have to be removed from the premises. Go with only light bottled drinks this week.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—You’ll be talking to a friend on a street corner and a man will appear on the opposite corner holding up a sign that says “YOU WILL DRAIN MY NADS.” You are appalled at first but also secretly intrigued. If you can get past his habit of holding up lewd signs, you may find a soulmate.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)- It’s always good to plan ahead but hold off on buying that wicker sectional with all the ottomans. The ottomans will be completely destroyed by a pack of wild dogs. You won’t be able to have them repaired. No one repairs wicker ottomans that have been torn apart by wild dogs. 

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- An estranged relative will come back into your life this week. She will want to sit outside on a sectional with some ottomans which is why it’s not a good idea to buy that sectional because then she would be attacked by wild dogs, as illustrated above. Virgo and Leo are aligned this week.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—Get involved in a project this week. Volunteer to stand outside a grocery store or help clean-up an unsafe, drug-ravaged, derelict neighborhood. You’ll make a difference.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—No good news for Scorpions this week. Everything will fall apart or fold in on itself. Machines will break at your touch, blankets will deteriorate as they try desperately to envelop you. There will be no warmth and it will seem like an epoch before there is light again. You’re just going to have to take it. No lucky numbers this week although try 12. You never know.


Sheeba Incaviglia appears courtesy of the Lankville Daily News