by/ Dec. 18, 2014 7pm EST
SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Look out for the highly-improbable today. Avoid purchasing both a tote bag and a product from a store and placing the product in the totebag. You will lose both before arriving home. Change your outfits often– put on a large, unwieldy hat and then spin it off your head unexpectedly in social situations. Be sure not to use your hands.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—This is definitely not the day to go up against your boss. If she’s wearing a pants-suit, it’s a double whammy. It’s too easy to become possessed by an idea to the extent of being ruthless. Be discreet if you decide to tamper with her car.
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Your appreciation of beauty is heightened this week. Try to surround yourself with as much beauty as possible. Yell, “I’M SURROUNDING MYSELF WITH BEAUTY!” so that people in nearby shopping areas can hear and maybe be inspired.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—This week is the best time to completely bulldoze others into doing what you want them to do. Your lover may not enjoy taking orders from you but eventually he’ll take it and you’ll make him like it. Still, be sure to smile.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—It’s best for you to plan ahead and always know exactly what you’re doing every second of the day. There will be love this week but it will slow, aimless, and with some guy you don’t even really like that much. End it quickly so that you can get back to the planning.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Achievements are possible this week, but the world isn’t going to make it easy for you just because you’re a nice person. The world’s going to take every opportunity to give it to you sideways up the dumper and extra effort will be required on your part to dodge it.
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—This is the ideal week for beaches and sunsets and rabbits and ribbons and bows and bed and breakfasts and beautiful views and horses and ponies and hayrides and those cute little rubber things that go on the end of pencils and lace and pizza and beautiful streams and horses and bows and sunrises and pillows of all different sizes and horses and romantic walks on the beach and movies and the color pink and ponies and dollhouses and old-fashioned candy shoppes and church and pizza and little baby ducks. Adjust your schedule accordingly.
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—This week will see the arrival of a package from overseas. You were warned that the mailer would be “experimental” but it will turn out alright. When opened, the faint smell of lavender will be released. There will also be a little toy included for free. It will be one of those little tic-tac-toe games— someone has awkwardly painted the word “DIVERSION” on its edge. You will be grateful of this. Things have not gone as you had hoped.
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)-Your reputation is one of your most priceless assets. Today, someone may try to besmirch it. Shoot to kill.
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- A very small man will enter your life this week. He is capable of folding paper in a curious way and you are initially intrigued. But you’ll need to ask yourself— is this enough?
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—Your mate, partner or casual lover may have ideas today about purchasing a large, poorly-made product— an inflatable mattress, for example. Be wise. Take a step back and allow him to see it through to its end. It’s the only way he’ll learn this valuable life lesson although you will ultimately be stuck with an inferior inflatable mattress.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)— Real estate offers are promising this week. Also, a co-worker will unexpectedly ask you to dinner. Find yourself some long, grape-flavored cigarettes. Over dinner, suddenly light one up and blow the smoke slowly into his face. Now, flick the cigarette away without breaking his gaze. Don’t worry if it burns someone— the world has suddenly become very small. There will be a flash followed by several low concussions. This will be the sound of your heart.