Commentary

The Grumpy Ghey: Toyland, Boy Land

by / Sep. 14, 2016 12am EST

Our lives are stressful. Modern living is demanding. Many of us beat out our frustrations grunting all too audibly at the gym, while others prefer the more stealthy, yoga-based approach of calculated movement and breath. Maybe you’ve learned to meditate. Of course, there’s always alcohol, and some have added prescriptions like Xanax to their menu of life-coping aids. Perhaps the common denominator is that most of us masturbate, whether or not we go to the gym, whether or not we drink and/or take sedatives. 

I remember being in my early 20s and discovering that the man I was living with, 12 years my senior, would masturbate on the sly. He’d try to hide it, knowing that I probably wouldn’t understand. And I didn’t. Having caught him at it twice in a short span of time (while I—23, adorable, and perpetually horny—was readily available and running around the apartment scantily clad), we got into a raging argument. “I’m tense a lot of the time,” he confessed. “So I masturbate. Just because I’m with you doesn’t mean I have to give up my fantasy life. Having sex and masturbating are two different things.”

At the time, part of me thought (and maybe still thinks) this was a convenient excuse for compulsion. But that doesn’t eclipse the truth in his statement, particularly about the release of tension. Masturbation is, among other things, a culmination of tensions, gathered and focused, that ends in a colossal release—and maybe, for just a short while, a huge sense of relief. If I didn’t get it nearly 25 years ago, I definitely do now.

Through that lens, it becomes a little easier to understand some of the sexual trends in our culture. We’re wound up tighter than ever before, juggling ridiculous amounts of responsibility. We’re expected to be going, going, going, 24/7. The real world encroaches on any stolen moments of bliss through our phones, on social media screens…it’s very difficult to escape. With greater levels of tension, we seek greater sexual thrills; hardcore porn and virtual reality are becoming the new normal. We want an express lane to tension relief. Choose your poison—whatever gets the job done quickly so you can get back to work with less distracting noise in your head. Because, unfortunately, that’s how most of us seem to perceive sexual thoughts nowadays: distracting noise keeping us from that task at hand. Being horny, it seems, is a nagging annoyance. 

Aside from the increase in use of porn to achieve the express lane effect, we’re also buying lots of sex toys. Gay men have always been fans of sex toys, but now straight men are buying them. And they’re not just using them with their gal-pals. 

Some might attribute the rise in popularity of sex toys among straight men as a byproduct of increased sexual education and a liberating sense of adventure. I’m inclined to think it’s got more to with boredom, desensitization, and high levels of stress. We want it faster, funkier, more intense. Old reliable isn’t working anymore. Not as well, anyway. We’re conditioned to believe there’s something wrong if we can’t perform or aren’t supremely interested and at the ready should the urge come on. As many of us discover, however, the mind and the body aren’t always in sync. Gadgets can help. For a while, anyhow, until we burn out that engine as well.

A 2009 report from the Journal of Sexual Medicine says about half of heterosexual males surveyed had used a vibrator with their partner, and 16 percent of those men went on to use the toy by themselves. Partner play apparently provides a gateway. But those numbers are getting old, and in the seven years since then, numerous online boutiques that specialize in stocking toys for men have popped up, while others that used to cater mainly to women have expanded their stock to reflect the demand for quality sex toys designed for guys. 

One of the more popular, high-end, male-centric toys is made by a company called Hot Octopuss. It’s called Pulse, though people tend to call it “the guybrator.” Pulse is fairly demure—slides onto the top portion of your junk and vibrates with “oscillating technology” that culminates in a “totally unique orgasm.” (You have to imagine this being said in a British accent to get the full flavor of the promo video.) If you suffer from erectile dysfunction, Pulse promises to help you with that. It’s $100. 

The Swedish company Lelo is considered a leading designer of intimate do-jiggers, and in an article for Salon.com they estimated a 200 percent increase in “male anal pleasure objects” during 2015; it seems straight guys are sticking things in their butts with more frequency. Curiously, most of Lelo’s stock is priced between $100 and $200—for straight folks, it seems only an expensive toy is worthy of sticking in the stink.

But spending money doesn’t deter. Entrepreneur/inventor Brian Sloan’s 2014 Indiegogo campaign for the Autoblow—it’s just what it sounds like—reached its funding goal six times over. Sloan is on to something: As he points out to the press, men are attracted to the idea of having something done to them. Whereas more well-known toys like Fleshlights and various other sleeve devices require you to manage the toy’s movement, the Autoblow moves on its own. 

Naturally, gay men are ahead of this curve. And we tend to do it cheaper. I’ve known men who prefer the challenge of repurposing inanimate household objects to buying toys online. But for those who buy, Adam’s Toy Box and Fort Troff are online gadget outlets that cater to gay men for a reasonable price. It’s interesting to note how much raunchier the sites are, though, reflected in the porn-y images and language used. Anything marketed to gay men for pleasure seems to come with a growl and an imaginary motor-revving sound. It’s aggressive. There’s always a guy masturbating on a toilet—always. He’s usually wearing combat boots with white socks. It’s mighty effective marketing. 

As straight men begin exploring vibrating toys that do this and that, we’re buying automatic, speed-controlled fuck machines that can turn into blowjob-giving machines with the quick switch of an accessory. We’re not as interested in vibrators, apparently, but realistic silicon dildos are all the rage, especially when accompanied by lube made to look like semen. Electro-stimulation devices with remote controls that send electric pulses through your junk, anus, nipples, etc., are increasing in popularity. It’s a circus. We’re getting savvier at finding ways to rub, jolt, and buzz ourselves into a frenzy.

Perhaps the notion of a toy being high-end diminishes any sense of shame that might accompany its purchase when it comes to novice hetero couples. The boyfriend and I attended a sex toy party last Spring at a friend’s apartment, and while there were other gay men there, the most interested attendees were married straight couples. It was telling to see the women get excited about vibrators that looked like phallus-shaped spacecrafts, not to mention the high pricing and the language used by the company rep. Many of the toys geared for men were presented for times “when he wants to and you don’t,” and there were lots of scented creams and lotions, which gay men tend not to like because they detract from the au naturale pheromone factor. 

A gel called Great Head made with some botanical blah-blah-blah that you apply to your tongue and slowly swallow reminded me of something I’d seen on Fort Troff recently. When the rep left the room, I piped up.

“So, this might be a big TMI, but you can get something much more effective for significantly less money,” I said, holding the tester tube of gel, which was making my uvula feel as if I drank too much citrus juice too quickly. All I could think of was Gilda Radner talking about uvulitis on SNL. “You have to be willing to shop on a site geared for gay men, but if you go to Fort Troff, you can get a spray that really cuts right through the bullshit. It’s made with benzocaine—numbs your throat completely, and it’s 10 bucks. It’s called ‘Suck it, Bitch!’ Can’t go wrong.”

 

 

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