Jesus didn’t ask for the situation in North Carolina. He didn’t push for the ignorance in Mississippi. And he’s got nothing to do with those ridiculous Benham twins, who seem to keep renewing their 15 minutes with crackpot sound bites. 

Last weekend, I was reminded of how hilarious The Boondocks can be when I had occasion to show someone a few episodes they’d never seen. A personal favorite is “Invasion of the Katrinians” season two, in which Granddad’s cousin Jericho shows up from New Orleans with a boatload of family, seeking shelter in the wake of the flood. Mayhem ensues as Granddad attempts to maintain some semblance of personal space while his home gets overtaken by an aimless flock looking for a free ride, waiting on a FEMA check that may never arrive. 

The highlight of the episode is Jericho’s religiously devout mother calling out for Jesus at every turn—praising him when things look up, asking why she’s been forsaken when disaster looms. The curious fact is that her faith revolves around material security. She places a healing hand on Granddad’s head and asks Jesus to provide for him, “So that he may provide for us, Lord, as we walk in your glory,” etc. Later, when a lamp breaks, she can be overheard assuring anyone who’ll listen that, “The lord will provide another lamp,” followed by a particularly gooey “Praise Jesus!”

Jericho’s mom is playing fast and loose with the ideals of someone who’s not around any longer to defend themselves or clarify their message. I’m not here to knock anyone’s faith. But when folks start using their interpretations of a dead man’s intentions to marginalize others, we run into problems. It’s kept part of the world at war semi-permanently.

It seems like we might be entering into a new phase of oppression in the South. My gut tells me things will get much worse before they get better, especially given some of the possible outcomes in November. 

But above and beyond policies and related politics, it would seem that none of these cowardly folks—individuals, institutions, oligarchies—will own their hate. “No, no, no,” they say. “We’re not denouncing that. We don’t denounce. We’re merely upholding this other thing.” 

Do they really think anyone is that stupid?

Maybe they do. It’s all relative, right? And with Christian-right advocates like the Benhams running around—easy on the eyes, but dumb as the door-knockers on the houses they flip—maybe there’s a sense that some of us will actually eat that plate of horseshit they’re serving up. If that’s what passes for smarts in those circles.

I don’t know about you, but I’d have a lot more respect for someone who can stand up and say, “Yup, you know what? You butt-raping faeries make me sick to my stomach. I just can’t.” At least then all the cards are on the table. The message is actually much more powerful when it’s delivered without any dilution. 

Instead, we usually get this sort of noncommittal doublespeak. You may recall, the Benhams were slotted for an HGTV series entitled Flip It Forward, in which they’d engage in the very Christian act of helping families purchase and remodel homes that would otherwise be financially out of range. 

But when the network discovered that the pair had some far-right leanings via a post on the Right Wing Watch website, they pulled the plug. The site posted a recording of Benham talking to a talk show host about “homosexuality and its agenda that is attacking the nation” and “demonic ideologies” taking hold in colleges and public schools.” But when interviewed by CNN in the wake of the network’s decision, the Benham bimbos were all sunshine and lollipops. 

Apparently, it’s not little Christina they’re angry at. It’s the dirt.

“We love all people. I love homosexuals. I love Islam, Muslims, and my brother and I would never discriminate. Never have we, never would we,” David Benham told CNN in a live video segment during Erin Burnett’s OutFront. ”Never have I ever spoken against homosexuals, as individuals, and gone against them. I speak about an agenda. And that’s really what the point of this is—it’s that there is an agenda that is seeking to silence the voices of men and women of faith.”

So, they love us. The just don’t love what we are, what we do, and what we believe. Is it just me, or does that stink of “They’re sick, they can’t help themselves”? Plus, the phrase “gone against them” sounds like there’s a grade-school fight happening over recess playground territory. We’re all adults here. You don’t “go against,” you oppose. Grow up, moron. 

Let’s be clear. There are plenty of LGBTQ individuals who are people of faith. It’s a long journey for many of them, coming back from upbringings that forced so much negative self-talk down their throats in the name of restrictive ideologies. But lots of gay men, women, trans-folk, and gender-fluid people have made their way back to a faith that works for them. 

If there’s an agenda, it’s not to silence true voices of faith. It’s to silence stupidity masquerading as wisdom. It’s to silence oppression disguised as public safety. It’s to silence hate cloaked as faith. 

The blonde Benhams make a particularly good case study since they’re batshit crazy. Not long after the HGTV hubbub, Jason Benham spoke to a crowd at the Faith & Freedom Coalition’s “Road to Majority 2014” conference in Washington, DC, during which he compared the trials he and his brother faced with the television network to those of soldiers on the beaches at D-Day. He went a step further with his analogy, bringing Braveheart and fellow hater Mel Gibson into the mix. Later, he told the Christian Post that people of faith must be willing to let go of what they have in order to more powerfully speak the truth, once again trying to put a different spin on losing the HGTV show. 

Is it surprising that the Benham twins hail from North Carolina? Not at all. And it sounds like losing the show has, indeed, freed them to speak something closer to the truth. 

“We sure hope the governor and General Assembly will do what is right,” David Benham told a crowd at an antigay rally on the Friday afternoon prior to North Carolina’s special assembly wherein House Bill 2 was passed. He supposedly added that he doesn’t want to live in a ‘bizarro world’ where Christians can’t legally discriminate against LGBTQ people. It is a free country, after all, David. 

But nothing can beat the op-ed the dynamic duo published via free press agent WMD.com in the wake of North Carolina’s “decision.” In it, an analogy is drawn between the demands of LGBTQ factions for protective laws and a biblical story about the poisonous vine of Sodom, which will stop at nothing to have its way. They go on to say that pervasive homosexuality is merely a symptom—not the root of sin, per se, but rather an effect of it. 

They’re reassuring us: It’s not our fault, we’ve been tempted by a relentless force that’s got its claws dug deeply into the fabric of our culture. More of the ‘we’re sick and can’t help ourselves’ rhetoric. But how much compassion are you really going to show for a poisonous vine that you believe is threatening to destroy your world? Come on now, boys. You don’t love us. Stop pretending—we did a long time ago. 

This is the sort of thinking we’re up against in the South. It makes you wonder if the Osmond-toothed Benhams are setting the stage to come out of the closet, since apparently no one is safe from the poisonous vine. Soon the bimbo twins will be bumpin’ booty like the rest of us. After the initial shock wears off, maybe some deep penetration will finally quiet them down.