by/ Jan. 27, 2015 2pm EST
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—You’ve grown bored lately with television and word puzzles—consider challenging yourself by engaging in charity work this month. Travel to a monstrous neighborhood full of monstrous people and distribute half-turkeys. Remember, the indigent often have no teeth so if you’re bringing a desert be sure it’s crumbly.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—The month will be trying for Pisces. Hail, the size of bottles, will fall upon you and you will feel the anger of a maniacal God. You will race on towards something unseen and unknown, through deep, thick-walled cellars in ancient houses. You will chain yourself to the stone wall, throw dirt in your own face, trying to excise the demons. There will be no hope for you though. You know it.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)— This is a good time to be happy-go-lucky. Buy that gaudy yarn you always wanted or drive up into a field and knock over an electrified fence. Go where the fun is.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)— Tautuses should be calculating this month. This may not be the time to walk through backyards full of pointless holes with old banners strung between two trees that read, “HAPPY EASTER, LES.” You have to ask yourself, “What kind of person will I find here?”
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—A good friend may turn into a whirlwind romance this month. You’ll just be sitting around, watching a space show on TV and eating from a loosely-arranged plate of thin meats and the next thing you know, you’re being torqued like a jenny. Just remember: what feels good now might be undesirable later; although in this case, might as well go for the gold.
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—You cannot shove your creativity aside but you can learn to funnel it. Imagine a series of “mind pipes” inside your vast head—the creativity will slosh through the “mind pipes” to touch all areas and be expelled upon craft paper, crochet boards or into culinary concoctions. Your shimmering brilliance will be instantly acknowledged.
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)—In the past, you’ve been accused of apathy—important to really care this month. Really care a lot and hard. Make it an alternately gentle and then suddenly violent hardness that will peak at just the right moment. Look forward to this sort of activity.
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)—Might be a good time to exercise some brain cells—you’ve been reading a lot of little pamphlets from grocery stores lately. Get out a piece of paper and write down some examples where it would unrealistic to keep bins open as more items “arrive” from space to be packed, rather than to close the bins permanently based on otherworldly criteria. Show your work.
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—You’ll get back on track once you stop hanging out in that basement with those disgusting orange stools and those guys with the occultist ideas. You’ll find that your reputation will easily be restored.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—It is important to always express your feelings. This can be anything from, “I don’t like these pizzas, I’m sending them back” to “when we made love, I saw a big, beautiful female moon from which I gained my energy.” As long as you’re honest and straightforward, you should never be afraid. If you are still afraid, just keep some guns nearby.
SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Sure, you’ve got a little side porch that looks out over some fields. And sure, you can put out a TV tray with some lemonade and a baking sheet of fries. And sure, you got a radio and you can pull that antenna out and receive distant signals from over the mountain. Thing is, this town is cursed. It’s haunted. It’s got the devil in it. It’s your call.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— It’s a good time to hold up a mirror and recognize your issues. Might be a good idea to stop getting all your clothes for free by answering questions about the kind of car you’d like to have. It’s depressing. It’s depressing to look at you with those car dealership t-shirts and baseball caps. Get to work—recognize your unique qualities but for the love of God, get rid of those t-shirts.
Sheeba appears courtesy of the Lankville Daily News.