Photo by Trey Ratcliff.
Photo by Trey Ratcliff.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

by / Jan. 19, 2015 1pm EST

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Organization is key this week. Why not figure out what the hell you’re doing with that giant cabinet of beads?  What a god damn mess that thing is— beads everywhere, nothing sorted by color or size. Christ, almighty, get to work on that.  

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—Travel plans may have to be shelved this week. Put an emphasis on short journeys to places you’re already well familiar with–large buildings or a series of connected buildings which contain a large variety of retail stores and perhaps food courts, for example.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Family member confides a secret.  Turns out, they murdered someone. Your thinking on this should be constructive and helpful. Don’t burden them with your doubts. Business activities should take a backseat this week.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Take time out to enjoy some leisure. Set up a matching lawn chair and end table in the yard. Put a transistor radio on the table.  The table will collapse, the radio will fall to the ground. Two batteries will be ejected suddenly from the side. It’s just not your week.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Sometimes old people can be fooled by costumes. Find a convincing non-human costume and walk loudly down a busy street.  Could be a little scratch in it.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—It’s time to come to terms with that loudmouth relative that hogs the sofa. Avoid jumping to conclusions about that guy that hangs around the laundry but never seems to have any actual laundry to do. Could be a chance for an intensified relationship. Be aware of your potential.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)–Spread your emotional wings after dinner. Climb up onto your chair for effect. Find an enormous blinking digital clock with offensively bright white lights. Hang it in your cubicle at work. Say, “I’m a time aesthete” over and over again while laughing wildly.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)–There’s nothing wrong with a feral, public feast of sex. It can be cleansing. The airport is not a good place for it though. Puts everyone on edge.  

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—Work will likely go better in a tension-free atmosphere. Tend to your paperwork near a nice pond, lake or mall fountain. Treat yourself to a new outfit. Keep in mind:  they don’t have new outfits for sale at ponds and lakes. You know what to do.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—News concerning another person’s finances will be enlightening but not involve you. That is, unless you make it involve you. Lower the hammer.

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Be wary of new romance this week. Remember, there’s a lot of sodomites running around.  It’s a twilight world. 

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—You may feel as though an appalling demon has possessed your very soul this week but overall the year ahead should prove to be happy and profitable. Romance could turn into marriage but it could also just turn into tearing up the backseat of your car. Exert patience as you wait for the damage to be repaired.

Sheeba appears courtesy of the Lankville Daily News.