Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

by / Jan. 14, 2015 12am EST

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— The new year will mean a new position and rise in social status. If you’re offered that job putting gigantic newspapers on yardsticks at the library, take it. A man sporting chiseled good looks will walk in. “I’m looking for a gigantic newspaper on a yardstick,” he’ll say. You will fall very quickly into a torrid romance.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)— A trying month for Aquariums. Yours will be a lonely patrol of desolate landscapes until you come upon a man by an old swimming pool. He is watching some people cook spaghetti on a small television set. He will hold it up for you to see. However, there will be little solace in this. Still, a conversation may shed new light on your difficult situation.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)— Show your considerate side this week. A change of scenery could delight someone who has been stuck indoors recently, particularly if they are really fat. Take your fat reclusive acquaintance to a mall or maybe to the zoo to gawk at some arboreal apes. Just be sure to exercise good judgment. 

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Put some emphasis this week on acquiring knowledge through magazines. Have a close look at the color pictures— you know what they say, “A picture tells a lot more words than words”. Join a charitable organization and climb over people to get to the top.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Wonderful opportunities on the horizon this week. You’ll be able to see them from your porch. They will arrive like giant otherworldly waves breaking against the shore of a desolate, undiscovered planet. Work on improving your physical fitness.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Go ahead and ignore a family member’s concern this week. It will go away. Give nothing and you may still get a lot. It’s all coming up YOU although beware of parking your car on the grass no matter what the man at the carnival tells you.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—This is a good week to mix business with pleasure. Offer yourself to your boss. If you are at first rebuffed, just keep offering and make the outfits skimpier and skimpier. He won’t be able to resist. This is also a good week for discovering a new hobby (which could just be offering yourself to your boss–your choice).

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)- Visit someone in a hospital. Bring a lot of balloons. Throughout history, balloons have always made everyone happy. Hit the malls after that–lot of great bargains right now!

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- People consider you a glamorous figure. You attract fascinating people and animals. Be discreet. Don’t reveal everything immediately (especially to the animals). If you hold back, you create an atmosphere of mystery and elusiveness. Continue to pursue efforts of making money through highly irregular channels.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Don’t be afraid to put your boot up somebody’s ass this week. You’ve got to be tough with some of your co-workers. They’ll respect you for it in the end. 

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)— Come to work all week with a gigantic, stupid smile on your face. Keep that stupid smile affixed to your face all day, even if you are experiencing extreme ennui. In the evenings, stand naked before a mirror flexing slightly. Murmur, “nothing can touch me” over and over again. You will be well-prepared for the next day.

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)— Something will go awry with the float in your toilet. A plumber will be called in— a handsome man with a dimpled chin. He will offer you advice. At first, you will tell him that you are not taking any advice from some lowly fucking piece of shit asshole plumber. But, you’ll soon come around after he fixes the float. 

Sheeba appears courtesy of the Lankville Daily News.