I feel so much better with Rob freakin’ Reiner on our side. Phew—we really dodged a bullet there, huh? I’ll sleep better tonight knowing that Meathead has spoken out. Never was a classic Archie Bunker “whoop-de-do!” more appropriate.

Lately it seems like we’ve entered a political Twilight Zone. Where’s Rod Serling? Not long ago, good ol’ Caitlyn Jenner brought a megaphone mighty close to her sutured, generously implanted backside, and outgassed an endorsement for Ted Cruz (and I’m pretty sure Camp Cruz is about as excited with Jenner as I am with Reiner). Then Hillary Clinton borrowed the very same megaphone and, without cleaning it, let it felch her fascinating, history-rewriting take on the Reagan’s response to AIDS. 

I can forgive Hillary. She may not sparkle quite like she used to, but she’s still a mostly impressive, well educated woman. She just screwed up, which is something we all do. Like her husband, marking what’s-her-name’s dress with his DNA, to err makes them more human. 

But Caitlyn? Gurl, you fired. 

Hillary must’ve shipped the magic megaphone of ass-talking stupidity to North Carolina, where lawmakers have desecrated the damn thing well beyond repair. I shudder to think of its horrific end. 

Last Wednesday, North Carolina governor Pat McCrory signed House Bill 2 into law. It’s other equally euphemistic name is the Public Facilities Privacy and Security Act (please, bring the megaphone a little closer to your backside when you say that, Pat). Basically, the state law bulldozes over any and all local ordinances concerning wages, employment, and (wait for it..) public accommodations. It prevents local municipalities from creating any rules that prohibit discrimination in public places based on sexual orientation and gender identity. 

It’s worth noting that North Carolina does indeed have a statewide nondiscrimination law, but it’s got no love for the various LGBTQ factions. In other words, a moot point. We were never formally protected in the state of North Carolina…but now, we’re all up in harm’s way. 

As I type, Sly and the Family Stone’s “Everyday People” is blaring over the coffee shop sound system. Some days I could use some serious convincing that we’re not moving backwards. This might be one of those days.

To get more specific, House Bill 2 directs public schools, college campuses, and government agencies to require that multiple occupancy bathrooms and “changing facilities” (oh, the irony) be designated for use only by people based on their biologically assigned sex as printed on their birth certificates. 

Now, North Carolina allows for individuals to change their gender as recorded on their birth certificate, but only after full-on sexual reassignment surgery. This leaves gender fluid folks in the dust, and presents potentially serious issues for those that haven’t had surgery but appear “passable” as the gender they identify with. From that perspective, the law practically incites violence. Think about the possibilities: a biological male, for instance, looking quite ladylike in a dress and heels with a full face of makeup, being forced to go back to using the men’s room.

For this, North Carolina lawmakers convened in a special legislative session to the tune of $42,000, all to avert a previously passed ordinance in the City of Charlotte (taking effect on April 1) that was designed to prohibit discrimination in housing and public accommodations based on gender identity and sexual orientation. Why? Because they believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Unless, of course, they’re gender fluid or something other than purely heterosexual.

Actually, it seems the greater concern is for women that could fall prey to sex offenders masquerading as men in transition, behaving inappropriately in places where we’re all at our most vulnerable. Even if to some it sounds like a reasonable concern on paper, there is no history of this happening. And by focusing on the concerns of women, primarily, the plight of men in transition is completely erased. 

In so flagrantly ignoring the needs of transgendered people, does North Carolina feel like they’re pioneering? Are they proud of House Bill 2 because they’re stood up and, soiled megaphone in hand, announced they’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore? Fail.

It’s too bad that Charlotte’s ordinance wasn’t intended as an April Fool’s joke, since that’d render the special legislative session — supposedly the state’s first one in some 35 years — and the $42,000 spent on it a thorough waste of time and money. Not that it isn’t those things already, but it’d be much harder to argue in favor of the bill with the other scenario. 

The reality, however, is that ordinances like Charlotte’s are no joke at all. If we’re going to all exist under the same umbrella, then the fight for trans rights and protections impacts the LGB portion of the community whether some of us like it or not. 

The Senate approved House Bill 2, 32-0…because Democrats walked out of the session in protest. It’s simultaneously hilarious and devastating.

As NPR dutifully pointed out late last week, there’s one word that dominated the debate over the House Bill and the Charlotte ordinance that came before it: bathroom. I feel like that makes this set of issues that much more distinctly American, since we’re famous for our bathrooms, (and our weird phobias about using them, exorbitant use of toilet paper, etc.), the whole world over. We’re hung up about going to the bathroom, we want to know who’s there, who can see and hear us as we pull up our skirts or pull down our pants and pass waste. What, then, to make of Caitlyn, Hillary, and North Carolina lawmakers who have all publicly pitched shit at us? Would they be shocked to know this is actually very un-American behavior? Should I bring a megaphone to the public toilet with me next time I need to use it?

Since it passed, Lambda Legal and the ACLU of North Carolina have led the procession of equality groups filing lawsuits in reaction. Companies as disparate as Google, Biogen, American Airlines, Paypal, and Apple have voiced opposition in one way or another. And Rob Reiner, bless his heart, says he won’t film any more of his blockbusters in North Carolina unless the law is repealed. The HRC claims the state is at risk of losing some $4.5 billion in federal funding, as the new law lies in direct violation of Title IX. 

How did any of this seem like a good idea? If protecting women and children from sex offenders is what’s really at the root of this, there are other ways…more effective, less discriminatory ways. Seen through that lens, it’s clear that House Bill 2 was mainly passed to protect hate. 

I remember writing a story about an art exhibit (of sorts) in Boston back in 2010. The artist had taken over the bathrooms in the South End’s Cyclorama building and had decorated them with revamped versions of the stick figures we normally see that depict gender assignment. The artist made them fatter, taller, skinnier, less gender specific, et al. I liked the piece, thought it was punchy, and used it as a sample for several years. I knew it was good, but it hardly ever yielded me any work. I was at a loss for why until recently. The headline was something like ‘so-and-so forces us to do our thinking in the john…’ and nobody wants to talk about the simple biology of what happens in the bathroom — even if that isn’t what the article was really about. 

North Carolina needs to grow the fuck up. Governor McCrory is apparently used to being swathed in diapers, but not all of us are so lucky as to have someone come change us every few hours. We have to use the bathroom too. 

Would he like to come into the stall with us and see how it’s done? Tell him to bring what’s left of the megaphone.